ugh..

So here I sit...bored out of my mind. I really have nothing of importance to blog about. Lol. Just trying to cure my boredom. I don't think it is going to work. I am eating a tilapia and spinach salad..I am pretty sure I will be starving later. I am forcing myself to eat this because I am tired of being a fat ass...B is drinking slimfast these days and started working out again this morning. I am a paranoid/schizophrenic that he is going to lose a bunch of weight and wanna find someone else. Irrational right? Somedays I just wanna find some Xanax and chill...haha. So yeah I am still hungry and still bored. yay me

the ex

My ex is in the psych ward.

I don't know how this is supposed to make me feel. I feel sad and at the same time I feel ashamed. I feel like somehow it is my fault. I did this to him. I know that I didn't really but part of me feels that I am somewhat to blame. I mean, I did leave him. I knew that he was mentally unstable. It is part of the reason that I left. So is it my fault because I wasn't strong enough to be his wife? Yes, I tried to get him help. Yes, he refused. But should I have tried harder? I am distraught. I don't want him to hurt himself. And I don't want to care. I guess that makes me a bad person? I want to just pretend that he never happened. I just can't believe that I am 32 years old and my ex can still make me cry. I have been crying since last night. How is it that I can be the only one that listens to him (those are his words). And the poor guy knocked some young girl up...I tried to be nice and warn him that this could happen. She told him she couldn't get pregnant because she has lupus. Now she is blaming him and getting an abortion. That is what put him over the edge. According to him that on top of the other stresses of life are too much for him. Ptsd, impending school, pregnant "friend w/benefits", she can't deal with his problems.... I understand why he is feeling alone. I would too. But what am I supposed to do to help him? He didn't want my help before and I would have done anything back then to get him help.

I officially hate the bank...

Okay this story starts back on Thursday....I went to my gparents to get a few of my things and see if I had any mail. I had a new debit card from Capital One. I didn't ask for it, they sent them out due to fraudulent activity or some crap. Okay. It says to call and activate the card and that your old pin will work. Sweet. Some hours later the kiddos and I are going to meet SO at Grady T Wallace for his softball game so I figure I will stop at the gas station and get gum, snacks, etc. Guess what? The effing card won't work! Okay now I look like a total dummy. No big deal I will call and make sure it got activated, maybe I hung up too soon.
Next day SO and I go to town so I decide that we will try my card at the ATM....NO LUCK. Fine, we got busy and forgot to go by the bank. Whatever. I will call the 800 number and see what they have to say. They say call the bank branch and reset my pin. Cool. I do that and figure everything is cool. So I am trying to buy some kid shampoo for my daughter who has extremely curly hair and dry scalp from an online store....The card is DENIED!! Now my patience is gone. This morning first thing I went to the bank, they apologized and swiped my card and had me enter a new pin. la-ti-dah. I go to Wal-Mart to get dog food and low and behold THE EFFING CARD IS DENIED AGAIN!!!! I storm out of there and go BACK to the bank where they look everything up and figure out that some idiot tied my account to the account that was mine and the ex's and now it shows I have a zero balance!! WTH????
I yelled. I was not happy. I couldn't take it any more. I have already paid thousands of dollars to the bank for all the overdrafts and hot checks that sucker wrote. SO now I have a temporary debit card until my new one gets here. AND I withdrew cash because I am not going to look like a fool again. At least the nice woman at Wal-Mart opened a register just to ring me up after I told her my story.

My Significant Other...

Just want to go on record saying he is the best ever BY FAR.... I know that seems pretty random but it is okay. :) I should be basking in the awesomeness right now...but instead I am having an anxiety attack. Yay for me. Stupid freaking anxiety makes me wanna start smoking again...serious contemplation. Not only do I have more anxiety attacks since quitting I have gained like 10 lbs....so I guess I am gonna be a Fatty who has anxiety attacks. WooHoo. I just took some Benadryl, probably a terrible idea at 2 in the morning since I have to be up at 0630 to get kiddos ready for school. At least they are going to stay the night at my grandparents house and I don't have to pick them up until Sat. afternoon. I can't see straight but I am itching like crazy....arrrrghh

it started out good...now it is just okay..

Today.... I started my morning with a cup of coffee like every other morning, things were looking good. Right after the kids got on the bus my SO and I went for a walk around the neighborhood. I love to go walking...just ask my sister I used to drag her along. It was a nice walk, not too hot yet with a cool morning breeze. When we got almost home I started having an anxiety attack. I don't know why, I rarely ever do know any more. Guess what? Anxiety attacks and exercise don't really go well together. I felt like I had an elephant sitting on my chest. I am guessing that this was a sign of things to come. Once I had calmed myself down, I refuse to have to take medication to stop them, I came inside and talked to SO about our to-do list. We decided to put off the tasks that required leaving the house. I debated pulling the rest of the weeds from the flower bed in the front of the house while I helped him hang a bluebird house. SO said I should just do what ever I wanted to do....so I decided I wanted to lay out. It is definitely warm enough and sunny enough. I laid out for a while in my tank top and some panties, yeah I know, I refuse to buy a bathing suit they are ridiculously over priced for the amount of material you get. I was feeling pretty good and reading my book just relaxing. I got the great idea to take my top off...no one can see me anyway...and I need to get some sun on my pasty-ness. After a while we decided to come in and that my friends is when my day continued it's gradual downhill spiral. I am probably being over dramatic, I have a tendency to do that sometimes. But it just really chaps my hide to be told " that is not the way I am used to having it". Really what you just said to me whether you verbalized it that way or not is that I am not doing something the way your mother does it. So what, does that make it wrong? I don't think so. Here is an idea, how about you try it this way before you decide that it is something that you don't like?? Is that hard? It would hurt my feelings a LOT less if you would just try it first before deciding that since it isn't the way your mom did it then it won't be good. Okay. End of rant... I just don't like the way it makes me feel to hear that. It is almost like I am not good enough. I am not trying to be your mother, I am not trying to replace your mother, I am trying to love you and care for you the best way that I know how. It isn't supposed to be just like your mom, this isn't a motherly love. I want to be able to spend the rest of my life with you without wondering if I am good enough.

I don't understand..

why is it so hard for my child to do his homework and leave everyone else alone?? Why can he not sit at the table and just do his work? The school says he is sooo smart...um ok...he doesn't act very smart. Granted he does make good grades. But he stays in trouble, at school, at home, on the bus. It doesn't matter what is going on the child is talking or making some kind of noise or just generally irritating someone/everyone. This is the very same child who is up by 0630 EVERY morning!! It doesn't matter if it is the weekend, school break, summer vacation...the kid is always awake. That wouldn't be a bad thing except that he thinks if he is awake then everyone else should be too. WHAT? Yeah nothing says don't have kids like a child banging on your door at 0600 on Saturday morning. My poor SO doesn't have his own children he has graciously taken on mine...which means even when he just worked graveyard or swing shift or this is his first day off and sleeping in...he gets woke up too!! I have even tried letting the boy stay up wicked late on the weekend. Guess what? He still got up at 0630. I don't know why that is the magic wake up time on his internal clock. I should have known he was going to be this way there were signs early on. He would stay awake for days on end as a toddler...who am I kidding? Even as an infant he didn't sleep. I'll be danged if he turns into a teen who wants to do nothing but sleep!! I WON'T ALLOW IT!!! I don't care if I have to stay awake to keep him awake. I have actually thought about that, waking him up at random hours of the night and early morning just so he will sleep in. I am just scared it won't work. So for now I am resigned to just keeping his 8p bed time so I can have a few hours of peace before we go to bed.

Really? Old lady I will hit you...

So....today we finally went to the grocery store, I say that like it is an accomplishment because it truly is...We are both sooo anti-public it is ridiculous. We take days to prepare, you are laughing because you think I am joking but I am NOT. For days we write out menus and lists, the game plan is very well thought out. I make the list in the order you find the items on the aisles...I kid you not! This way we can get in and get what we need and LEAVE. Our main mission is to buy enough groceries to stay away from Walmart for a month. It is too stressful to go out in public. Okay really it is that we hate people, yes that means YOU. It has become painfully clear that most of the population is stupid or slow, or stupid and slow. This coupled by the fact that when we get hungry we are even more, how shall I say it? Crabby...or as we say around our house...Krabby Patty. LOL. Today we decided that we would go to the Walmart in New Boston, it is generally less crowded (that doesn't mean for you to take your slowness there) and this makes it easier to grab and go. There were only a few mishaps on today's adventure. First this woman who obviously was a few french fries shy kept coming by and staring. At the beginning I said to myself " Self, she can't help it", then she kept giving us this look like we were a Giant (not me) and a midget (me). To add to this she was also gaping/gawking at our two carts (yes I said two) full of food as if we were trying to feed the whole state of Texas. Okay with two kids and two adults, one of which eats a LOT of food it takes two full carts to get through a month. I eventually cooled off and we went to the OTHER side of the store to get toiletries and bird seed. Everything seemed to be going well until we were told the total of our purchases...here I will pause for effect.......... I thought he was going to have a stroke. I seriously laughed out loud at him. Then I pulled out the coupons...hehe..we saved $10..I know it isn't a lot but every little bit helps right? Not according to him. Well excuse me. Pfffftttt. So la-di-da we are heading out the door when low and behold the little old lady at the door makes us stop so that she can look at our receipt. I honestly thought I was going to have to go bail him out from across the street!! Can someone please explain to me how this woman thinks we are going to spend close to $500 on groceries and try and walk out with the toilet paper and bird seed that weren't in bags??? SERIOUSLY?? What the heck are you thinking??

First time...

I don't really know why I am even doing this...okay that isn't true...I am trying this out because I tell him everything... Literally everything. Sometimes I get the feeling that he doesn't really want to know. Okay maybe that isn't fair, he doesn't know how to respond to the things I say at times. Mostly I just want him to listen, a response isn't always needed. But occasionally the silence says more than the responses that he thinks are ridiculous. He tries too hard at times and then there are times that it feels that he isn't trying at all. Why do relationships have to be so confusing?? I am perfectly content with our relationship. Every aspect of it. As a matter of fact, it is the BEST relationship I have ever been a part of...that being said...I am terrified!! There I said it..whew! I feel somewhat better. I told him this last night, his response was that I worry too much. Granted we get along famously, we rarely have a disagreement, and we are absolutely in love... AND we have only been together for a little over three months!! That is the major thing here...I am terrified because it hasn't been that long and yet it feels as if we have always been together and I don't mean that in the bad way. The thing that scares the pants off of me is how comfortable it has been since the beginning. What if it goes away? What if we are fooling ourselves?? How is it that I can be so completely in love with him and KNOW without a doubt that I love him so much more than I loved any of the men I married? He IS my everything....and so much more than I thought I ever deserved.